The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

My Boyfriend Won't Shut Up About His Long-Lost Italian Roots

So my boyfriend (M25) and I (f25) have been dating for 1.5 years and it's been going well for the most part. A little backstory, I'm a first generation in America. My family originally came from a country in Europe, I was born over there and came here when I was a toddler. So most of my culture is still very engraved and I speak my native language fluently. I'm not sure if my boyfriend just feels like the "dumb American" stereotype or is jealous that I'm so connected to my roots. He (within the last 5 months) has done a 180 completely. His great great grandfather came from Italy but their culture has been lost throughout the generations before my boyfriend, he's also intermixed with other European countries (so not sure why he chose Italy to hyperfix on) No one speaks a lick of Italian nor do they have any immediate family there that they know of/speak too. But my boyfriend has taken on this new persona where he's trying to be more Italian, he started making pizzas from scratch, calling me beautiful in Italian and other cutesy names, saying stuff like "it's the Italian in me that's why I think XYZ" it's honestly giving me the ick, he wasn't like this at the beginning of our relationship, he didn't even care about his ancestry but after seeing me be active in my culture sparked something within him?? He's only buying food that's imported for Italy, listening to Italian music and even mentioned he would like to learn to speak Italian. Is this weird?? Am I the problem for thinking of this as an ick?

Why do I think this man's a killer? I will say this though, if he's not... maybe he's a keeper. Listen, we're all going to want to retire one day, right? Maybe he's preparing for a life back in Italy. He sounds like a fun choice in that respect. I just feel like if you said, 'Babe, Italy for retirement, let's go,' he'd make it happen, that is if you're still alive for that long. Read the rest of the thread here.

Am I (18F) Reading Into My Boyfriend's (20M) Comment About Beauty Too Much — Or Is My Self-Esteem At Rock Bottom?

So, I was talking to my boyfriend about the day we first met, and I said, joking, that I couldnt believe a guy like him would dm a girl like me, mainly because he first saw me at a concert and I was soaking in sweat and had smudged makeup all over my face. Then, he proceed to tell sweet things about the day we first met, until he started talking about the fact that beauty isn't everything, that even a friend we have in common (that usually wears short clothing and is really beautiful etc) wouldn't be like that forever because beauty is temporary. Well, he basically called me ugly, I'm not dumb. The thing is, I actually am. That's a dumb question but I don't really know how to deal with my emotions now. Should I feel offended? of course reading that broke my heart, but after some thought, I realized that considering that I'm actually ugly, maybe he's just being honest instead of lying to me? Maybe that's better? I don't know. I feel so bad right now, knowing he's with a girl that he probably doesn't feel attracted to. we started dating 6 months ago, and it has been perfect, it's still perfect. Honestly this is more venting than seeking advice, sorry. just wanted to talk to someone about this.

after he said that, I said, joking, haha u didn't need to call me straight up ugly!! but don't worry I understood what you meant. He then started apologizing desperately, honestly I shouldn't have said that, because I made him feel guilty for being honest. anyways, he said that I'm pretty, the prettiest for him. I made him lie because he felt guilty. maybe he isn't lying. I don't know. I just wanted to be pretty. I just wanted to be pretty.

tldr my boyfriend thinks I'm ugly because I am. not sure how to deal with it

It's okay, I was a little confused at first too. So basically, she's upset because he referenced another girl's beauty and not hers — to set up a failed talking point about beauty fading with age. In other words, he's saying her body can go ahead and rot already, it's not really going to make a difference. Meanwhile, little miss thing over there, her first wrinkle will be met with a national day of mourning. I disagree with the comments saying he didn't call her ugly; he didn't have to... blows nose in Spanish. Read the rest of the thread here.

Is This Guy Getting Closure, Or Am I Okay To Be Upset About Planning Haircuts With Your Ex

My BF (24M) met up with his ex girlfriend behind my back for “closure.” I, (25F) was going through my boyfriends phone and found 211 text messages between him and his ex- girlfriend in his recently deleted folder. She had sent him a love song to which he replied “hey.” They then texted for 5 days after this. It also included one FaceTime call, and plans for her to cut his hair. They eventually met up. He drove to her house and they supposedly had an hour and a half conversation in his car. Nothing more than a conversation. (No haircut, nothing physical) He said he needed closure. For a bit more context, their relationship was toxic and hard for him to recover from. I can understand the need for closure. But to me this seems like he was opening the door for her. (We have been together for 10 months, while they only dated for 3 months.) I am struggling with this. I feel more insecure than ever…..

He’s always showed me so much love. So this was a BIG shock to me. He has been apologetic for what he calls “the worst mistake of his life.” He tells me that I am the love of his life, and that this has all helped him realize that I am the one for him. He said he wants a future and family with me. Everyday he tries to make up for it. But I still feel so betrayed and hurt. He claims that it was “not cheating” because it wasn’t his intention. But I still see it as cheating.

A bit more information. We are a long-ish distance couple. (We live 4 hours away from each other) This all happened when we were apart over Christmas break. He was upset that we couldn’t spend Christmas together. (My mom had Covid, my family came in from out of state. We had to wait for a negative Covid test from my mom to finally see my family) He deemed this to be unfair. He was upset with me…… this is when he texted her.

Would you consider this cheating?

To begin, I think it's important to understand that he wanted this closure before he met you. Notice how I didn't say "needed" it at all though? That's because he really didn't need to do any of this. I'm with the comments; they broke up after three months, not three small kids, a divorce, and a mortgage payment settlement. I'm sorry, but I agree with the comments on this one. Like, come on, he left for a haircut and didn't get one, and they just talked in the car? Did he make her buff the car too? Because that's the only way I can see this not being a date, even though it clearly was, and it's probably time to leave him, my friend. Read the rest of the thread here.

Should I Go On A Date To The Opera With My Ex-Wife?

My ex wife and I divorced five years ago. Divorce was clean and amicable so no hard feelings. She reconnected with me last year after my parent's death and recently asked if I can consider giving her another shot.

Today she told me she has been gotten tickets to the opera for next Saturday (I love opera and classical music) and invited me. She also proposed to have a dinner at the restaurant before the show.

Does this mean she's serious about us? When she sprung the idea on me I had already started casually dating another girl (she likewise sees other people), if she's really serious about us I am thinking of breaking it off with the other girl.

I really like the comments, we're all agreeing that she's just lonely, man. Listen, sometimes people confuse intimate relationships as the sole form of love. Maybe she's just in a dark place and needs a friendly face by her side. Be that friend and expect nothing in return, and I promise you will be happy with the outcome. Maybe fate really does push people together in the end? But for now, I'd say just let her know you see her as more than just a past spouse, but as a person. Be that friend who'll always be there for her. Best of luck, bro! Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Pixabey]