The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

Can I Quit One Week Into My Marriage?

I’m using a throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I got married about a week ago and I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. We had major issues before the wedding—lots of fights and problems with communication—but my partner and I had been in couple’s therapy for about a year and it seemed like things might be getting better. Our couple’s therapist also suggested that the stress of planning the wedding may have been contributing to our conflict and that things might settle down after the wedding. She seemed to think our relationship was solid enough to proceed, and I trusted that more than my own intuition.

The week before the wedding, my partner invited family members to stay at our house, and then planned to take his out-of-town cousins on a trip the week after the wedding instead of planning a honeymoon with me. I repeatedly told him how much this upset me and made me feel like I wasn’t a priority, and like our wedding was just a family reunion for him. I also repeatedly asked for some alone time for just us around the wedding. He ignored both requests. Now, we are on the trip with his cousins and I have again expressed that I feel like I’m not getting enough alone time with him right after a big milestone. He told me: “Stop coming to me with your bowl empty and asking to get fed.”

I know I’ve made a huge mistake but the absolute humiliation and shame of inviting everyone to our wedding last week outweighs my desire to leave him, immediately.

Does that therapist sound like a scam artist to y'all, or just me? Another one of those perfect, listen to your gut stories. Dump this man-child. Seriously, he ditched your honeymoon and what that entails (if you know what I mean) to go fishing with his cousin buddies... is he 9 years old? Your family, I'm just gonna rip the bandage for you: they might not give a damn. With inflation, all-round chaos in the world and at home, nobody has the energy to gossip about stuff like this. You can't see it, but I'm flicking him off with the hand that isn't typing, even if it's taking me forever to write these up now. Read the rest of the thread here.

Fresh Out Of College, And A Pandemic, How Do I Meet Women?

I spent like 3/4 doing my degree during the pandemic. There were periods where I stopped studying and was working after restrictions were lifted, now I just completed my final semester.

I’m 22 and I have never dated before, neither have I interacted with women much prior to 17 because I was in an all boys school.

I’ve tried dating apps over the last few years but I barely get any matches.

I do know I can self improve as I’m working on things like losing weight too.

Now I’m just not really sure how to meet women now that I’ve completed my bachelors. I don’t think I’m going to use apps anymore since I’ve gotten no success with them

First things first, I really wouldn't sweat your about weight at all. Physical appearance really isn't as make or break for most people like it's made out to be. But here's the thing: she's still gotta be into you. The phrase you're somebody's reason to masturbate exists for a reason. So, when you're updating the dating profile, really keep that in mind. It sounds dumb, but I assure you, but there will always be someone out there who'll let out a f—k yeah even after seeing the worst pictures of yourself. So just be yourself, be respectful and if a woman says no, don't take it personally; everybody, including her, is gonna deal with a lot of rejection before finding the one. You got this, bro! Read the rest of the thread here.

My Fiancé Is Being Unhinged Over An Oil Change

My fiancé broke up with me over text because I got an oil change, he has blocked me on everything! Advice?

My (23f) fiance (31m) broke up with me over text because I got an oil change and has ghosted me.

Me and my fiancé have been together for almost 8 years. Living together for 5 of them. The past year we both took jobs out of town during the week to be more financially secure. He’s supposed to come home every week but instead stays at work for months on end. My truck was well over due for an oil change (like 4K km over due, I know bad) so I literally had to get an oil change that weekend so I could drive to work on the Monday. His best friend is a mechanic and helps him work on stuff all the time so I asked his friend if he could do it for me, and he did it no problem didn’t charge me. I dropped off my truck at his shop and walked over to my moms down the road to wait then picked up my truck afterwards.

A couple hours after I got home after the oil change my fiance calls me to let me know he’s on his way home (surprise! He doesn’t communicate with me at all) for the weekend. I was thinking oh perfect now he won’t have to do my oil change when he gets home from his 14hr drive. I saved him some work and that I could spend more time with him. Thought I did a good thing. Oh boy was I wrong. Well I left for work on Monday evening and everything was great! We had a great weekend together, went for breakfast that morning he helped me build signs for our wedding and expressed how excited he was for it.

We’re supposed to get married June 8th… Yesterday everything went up in flames. He calls me at work absolutely raging calling me every name in the book. Was saying how dare you cheat on me with my best friend. I was completely lost like wtf I never did nor would I never cheat on him. I literally just got my oil changed on my truck that’s it. He continues to call me repeatedly to yell me. Says we’re over and that there’s no coming back from this. Blocked me on Facebook and Snapchat. Changed his relationship status to single and deleted every photo of me off Facebook like I never existed. He has unblocked me in the middle of the night multiple times to say “F you" then blocks me again. I explained to him that I never cheated nor would I ever. I talked to his friend and he said he just told him about the oil change and he was fine when he left his place yesterday.

I’m so lost and confused on what to do! I’m currently 5 hours away from home at my job. I don’t know if I should leave now and deal with this or give him a couple days to cool off and realize his mistake. He said that he took all my stuff out of the house (don’t know how that’s possible as literally everything is mine but the tv and mattress including the fridge and washer and dryer, heaters ect) and put in in the front yard. I don’t know if he actually did or is all talk, has also threatened to hurt my 2 cats to. He does have some mental health issues so that may be contributing to all of this.

Any advice would be appreciated!

I can’t believe I lost an 8 year relationship because I got an oil change. If I would’ve known I would’ve just let it go for another week and gotten him to do it.

TL;DR my fiancé broke up with me because I got his friend to change my oil on my truck so he wouldn’t have to, he took that as me cheating on me. He has blocked me on everything and said he threw all my stuff out onto the yard. I’m 5hrs away at work.

Update- 1. This afternoon his mom talked to him over the phone said she could hear him talking to my cats. They should be fine. He also told her that he’s been sitting on the couch all day… the one he told me he threw outside. So I doubt he threw anything outside. 2. I shut off my phone for a couple hours before it was just getting to much, I just turned it on and he unblocked me on everything and has been calling for hours on my phone, Facebook and snap. Texted me telling him to call him back that it’s urgent. I not going to tonight I’m writing this update then putting my phone on DnD

Edit since everyone is asking I was 16 he was 23 when we got together. We’ve been together more so 7.5 years but I rounded up.

This man is not ready for marriage. Also, to think his mother let her grown son, who could've been a college graduate by then, date a high school teenager? Forget this column; I need to call the police. I'm not even being funny; I'm with the comments saying this sounds like grooming and abuse. Look: I think this man-child has taken a good portion of this young lady's youth and adversely affected her mental health already — it's terrifying to even think of what would happen if divorce came into the picture later... Please leave him and this horror show immediately; this doesn't seem like a safe space, and you deserve better. Read the rest of the thread here.

Am I Insane For Getting Jealous That My Girlfriend Still Adds Dudes On Social Media?

is it a normal reaction? makes me resent her a lot for it.

So i have been seeing this girl for about 5 months. We recently made it official, but last weekend i was playing guitar in a bar, and while i was playing she started talking with 2 guys that are also regular musicians there.

They are not unknowns, in a sense that her best friends who works there also knows them, i have seen them before and played music with them too, etc… But she hadn’t really talked with them before. I am not friends with them either.

Everybody was pretty drunk and i could clearly see they were trying to hit on her (obviously, she is very good looking etc...).

I really don't consider those guys as « competition » in a sense that i feel way more attractive overall than them, but it drives me insane that she felt the need to either accept their friend request or send one after that encounter.

How do i deal with this?

I think you need to talk to her — once you cool off a bit. I get your point, let's be real, no one is using IG to send memes to each other. But, maybe she adds these dudes because she's friendly, and thinks they're losers anyways. If you're more attractive and already a musician, maybe she's just trying to fit in and enter your creative circle by adding these dudes. I do think some of the comments are harsh; jealousy is natural, y'all. It's how you respond to those feelings and express them to others that is much more defining of your character. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Malte Luk]